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Have you ever been to a prostitute's house?  Well, I have and it went a little something like this......
 
So back in the fall of 2005 I was drinking in downtown Portland, the Old Port if you will, and as every evening in the Old Port everyone gets a tad bit intoxicated.  But if you roll with my crew you are typically on the verge of blacking out.  On this typical evening we were.  As the bars were at a close we (stupid Freeport kids) were loitering outside of Bull Feeney's.  Bobby and Tony were in their usual swapping of fists to the face and somehow I got mixed up in it as an innocent bystandard.  Due to a punch in the face I started pushing those two around and somehow a window got broken. 
 
As any Freeporter would, we split.  We high tailed it up Milk St. or whatever street the Ale House is on.  I looked back and Tony was much behind me due to the fact that his legs barely work.  I saw the bouncers come around the corner and I went into disguise by putting on my cloaking device which consisted of my hood.  I picked up the pace of my footsteps and left Tony to deal with them.  Hey, every man for themself.
 
As I took off I figured I should hide out for a few minutes to make sure no one followed me up the street.  So I ventured behind some dumpsters which was quite convenient because I had a to relieve myself from some certain fluids.  It was urine if you were wondering, not number three.  After a satisfying, or I can only assume was satisfying tinkle, I took off back to the Old Port to reunite with my chums. 
 
On my return I saw McDermott and he said to get out of here because the bouncers were still around looking for me.  So for some reason I decided that I should go to Bill's and see if I knew anyone down there.  Indeed I did, it was Tony.  I was totally shocked that he was down there buying pizza.  He said he hid in an allley and the bouncers started laughing because he was trapped.  So as any drunk person with some size to them would do, he punched his way out and walked away.
 
Of course I didn't get any pizza like always because I think their pizza is revolting so I hung around and watched people get in fights.  Maybe I insighted some or at least keptthe fight sflowing with some cheers and shit talking.  As I hung out Bobby came outside and he was talking to some older lady named Dee Dee, Dede, or however you spell it.  She looked like a mini Miss Chleo with long extension braids and a gap in her teeth that Dr. Dre would remark about. 
 
While the conversation was under way these two dudes started fighting and it migrated on to Bobby's truck and we yelled at them to get off the truck but to continue fighting.  During the fight one of the dudes fingers had gotten bit and a good piece of the tip was missing.  I thought it was rad and Bobby agreed.  We gave him props for having less of finger, he wasn't too happy.  Which I could see, because I would be some pissed if I was missing some of my finger.  How the hell are you supposed to pick your nose with no finger tip?
 
Okay, back to Dee Dee, Dede, or whatever.  She first said she was homeless and said she would love a slice of pizza.  Bobby, being the perfect gentleman, gave her money for a slice.  I told him he was getting ripped off because she blatantly wasn't homeless with a leather jacket like that. 
 
On her return she was wondering what we were up to and we replied with "partying", of course.  She said something about how we could party at her friends apartment.  We said that would be cool, yet thinking it was the worst idea ever.  Whilst we chatted up with her about this said party she mentioned something about sex and our eyes widened.  Not because we wanted to have sex with her, but that she mentioned how we could have sex with her.  So to make this moment less awkward we made some wise cracks or something (most likely sexual harrassment) and she replied with I'll show you things you have never heard of, or done.  I can't really remember what exactly what was said, but it went along those lines.
 
So with all this weird shit happening she mentioned something about payment or something weird, I can't remember all the small things of this evening, but all I know was that she was hooking.  Once this was out in the open Bobby and I said we had to go get some money and cigarettes before we went to her friends apartment, trying to get away from the Dee Dee.  She then tricked us by saying that we don't know where she lives.  We asked for the address and she replied by saying that we should give her ride to the apartment so we know where it is.  Bobby agreed and I was stunned, he came up with the comforting reply of, "It will be funny."
 
We all jumped in Bobby's truck, Dee Dee in between the two of us, and we were off to her friend's apartment.  The drive was very surreal, seeing that we were driving in a truck with a prostitute.  She was telling us where to go, a left here, a right here, the typical directions to someone's house, but for us it was way different.  I don't know what to call it, but I didn't want to go.  After about five minutes, which seemed like an eternity, we pulled up in front of her firend's apartment.
 
As we sat there idling we told dear Dee Dee that we now know where the apartment is and we'll go get some money.... and cigarettes.  We had said this so many times, it was routine.  She insisted that we go up to the apartment so we know which apartment to go into.  Bobby agreed and sent me in, what a jerk.  Now it's just Dee Dee and I going into the "love den", how do these things happen?
 
As we stood in front of her apartment building Dee Dee called her friend to buzz us in.  She did, I was hoping she wouldn't answer.  The door unlocked and we enter the building, then the elevator.  Now it's Dee Dee- the prostitute, and I standing alone in the elevator going up.  The whole time I was in the elevator I thought she was going to start sexing me up, and let me tell you, it's not a godd feeling.  The elevator door opened, I wasn't sexed up, but what do I have in store for me?
 
Once we exited the elevator we took a right and walked down the hall to her friends aprtment.  We stopped at the door and waited for her to open up.  There was a floor mat and some dangly thing on the door both saying something like "Welcome".  I thought it was strange because those were the type of items you would have if you had a house, or at least the entrance to your home was outside, not in a hallway.  The door opened and her friend was at the door.
 
Her friend, let's call her "Beth" for I can't remember her name and Beth is a name I always associate with gross people, due to Beth Hall.  That name has the worst association ever, it has scarred me for life.  So back to "Beth".  Beth was gross, mid forties, and wearing a moomoo style night gown.  I really hoped that she wasn't ready to "party".  Dee Dee led me to the living room which by far is the worst living room I have entered, it was clean but the furniture was most inappropriate.
 
How can living room furniture be inappropriate?  There was a fucking bed in the center of it, that's why.  But this was no ordinary bed, oh no, it had lazy boy recliners built into the foot of the bed.  The sleaziest and sketchiest bed of all time.  What?  Yeah, sketchy.  After noticing this was the "party" room, I had to leave.  I told Dee Dee that I now know where the apartment is and I'd be right back.  I calmly walked to the door and left. 
 
I closed the door of the apartment of disgust and high tailed it out of there.  I full on sprinted down the hall, skipped the elevator and went for the stairs.  Jumping each flight of stairs one at a time while my heart rate increased from the thoughts of the dirtiest bed ever.  I slammed through the last set of doors and kept running until I was at Bobby's truck.  I told him, "Go, let's get the fuck out of here!"  I told him of the contents of the apartment and he started laughing and told me he was going to leave me there alone. I would have killed him.
 
We then went to Seven Eleven for cigarettes, no money, just cigarettes.  He then dropped me off at my apartment.  There was still some people awake and they asked me where I have been.  I replied with, "At a prostitute's house."
 

2/23/06